Painfully Scary

The blasts that took place on 7/11 were a painful experience. In terms of the fear that someone known may have been there. In terms of the anger I felt at the ideas behind such attacks. In terms of the personal grief that while I seem to have escaped... So many others did not.

But what was most painful was the city the day after. So many claim that the city is back on it's feet. So many have carried on the tasks left undone. So many have been able to smile. So many have been able to, in bits, forget. I rank among that many. And that is a painful realisation.

I believe that we have become immune to the fear, the terror. Maybe it shows the extent to which we, as a city have been scarred. Scab over scab has finally formed a barrier which nothing can pierce. We now rally around, pick up, and carry on. We no longer are able to experience the shock that incidents like these are supposed to have. Or maybe we have been shocked beyond response by the continual attacks on this city. Unless, we have directly suffered a loss.

I wonder, though I do hope not... If this is the beginning of the end of human experience of each others pain....

A conversation about strength/weakness

The last post lead to a long conversation with a dear friend. She belongs to the ranks of the strong, while I am a self-confessed weakling. Here are the loose transcripts of bits of that tete-a-tete...

Her: Sweetie, that was a nice thought. You make me feel vulnerable though. That is a side to the deal I hate to look at.
Me: hmm. Sorry ya. I guess I pulled some skeletons out.
Her: Mad or what? No re. Just made me face something I was not too happy looking at.
Me: So you have a take on it?
Her: Tell me sweetie, if someone let you down during a really vulnerable time... Didn't listen, shortchanged you, ignored the issue, would you trust that person the next time you were really low?
Me: Shit. No!
Her: How about people you aren't too close to? Or those who are uncomfortable with negative emotions?
Me: Mad or what?
Her: Well, if this happens a little too often anytime, we just learn to cope on our own re. Then later, even if we meet people we can trust, it takes time to build it up. Sayings were not made in a vacuum you know....
Me: Enh?
Her: Once burnt twice shy. You not too strong on thought today? :D
Me: hehehe. Well, can't say I've been there. The last few years have been the maddest for me... And I've had you around then...

At this point personal incidences came up. We shall, for the sake of confidentiality, pass on ahead...

Her: But tell me, how do you call me strong? I mean, you know just how silly I am...
Me: I consider you strong because you can keep your issues aside and find time and concern for another's' tears. And that is not something easy, is it?
Her: Nope. But don't we all?
Me: You saw me try that recently?
Her: Well... You are preoccupied......
Me: Egg-zactly! But you have never been so preoccupied as to not listen to my moaning, have you? And you actually even got down to helping me sort things out for myself.... When you were not in the best of places yourself....
Her: For you girl.... Always.
Me: That's just why I call you strong. Because you can hear out other people even when you are dealing with stuff.
Her: But that is just concern!
Me: Yes, and the strength to show it. That's what I lack, na? Not the concern... Just the rest.
Her: Ummm.... Never saw it that way....
Me: That's why I call you a twit.... :P

We shall now remove a part due the use of profanity (though affectionate)....

Me: So you will finally grant you are strong? Come on... I even wrote a post on you on my blog cos I see you as strong....
Her: And you saw a lot of things that I thought were invisible...
Me: I just woke up to it one day. Then felt bad that I rarely am there for you, and sit and cry over my issues.
Her: That's really what is sweet ga. You saw something that I could not show of my own volition. Because I'm scared that exposing the need for support could make me vulnerable. So I can only show that there is a problem..... Like I said about the time when......
Me: Ya I know.
Her: But you managed to see that I was not ok. That's important.
Me: Just that?
Her: Darling.... You asked me if I was ok.... That showed you cared. Sometimes, that is enough. Makes the feeling of loneliness go far away.
Me: And that helps? That much???
Her: Yup. jhoot bolega kya mein?
Me: Hehe. Nope.

The rest of the conversation is again a little controversial. Thus, shall call it a day here.

note: This may get modified in the next couple of days. In case my memory brings up an interesting tidbit.

note 2: If this sound like a mutual admiration club, well, yes it is!

note 3: The reason I wanted to put this here, was to get a little of the strong person's ideas in directly. They are human too. Just humans who manage to see other humans more than most can. And that, is their real strength. The rest are just artifacts of this one fact.

Weakened by Strength.

Strength is a weakness - maybe, worse than any other. For, when the strong feel weak, they find they have little to fall back on. There is no space to rest; as no one can actually grasp just how strong their need for support is. Some like to believe that no storm can weaken the strong; some are unable to come to terms with the weakness of the previously strong; and others just ignore the weakness of the strong.
And so, the strong must weather the storm alone. They stay isolated. With luck, no one will demand their time and strength during the moments of weakness.

Most of the time, it is taken for granted that the strong "will cope, will get on". Even if they can't. No-one wants to see the strong as fallible. And so the pretend game for the day is - They will not just survive, but do just fine!

And in the process, those dubbed strong lose out on a lot of the support they really need. Some go under. Those that do survive, are accompanied forevermore by a shadow of that lonely pain they experienced. It makes them wistful, it makes them vulnerable to feeling lonely. It even makes them a little angry about the world around them.
Even when they take that deep breath and move on, they may not feel whole. Especially when they extend support to others... and for a moment, the loneliness of old flashes past them as they attempt to erase it from the eyes of another.

So you see, even strength is sometimes a weakness.

At it again!

In the last few years, every time I have attempted any major change in my life, I have started a new blog; Most often, discontinuing the old one(s). A personal idiosyncrasy. I suppose writing from a new perspective helps me adjust to that perspective... None, except one, has been public before. And none, with no exceptions, ever came as close to my real life as I mean this one to. I have never mentioned names before, or the realtime situations. For some reason though, I feel strong enough to let go of most veils this time.

And now, Back to the future!